weddingpages

Something New

by Kristen Castillo, Weddingpages magazine, Fall 2001. Excerpts reprinted by permission of the author.

Many adjustments made during the first year of marriage

The first year of marriage can be an exciting time, but it can also be a learning experience. Decisions are now made for two, and settling into coupledom can be challenging. As newlyweds adjust to married life, what should they expect?

Jim Lucoff of Empathic Coaching Associates [http://empathic.homestead.com] has been counseling couples for over 20 years. He said many couples are surprised that married life differs from their dating experience. "They think because they have been together a lot before marriage their adjustment to married life will be easy. But the commitment that marriage brings to a relationship can raise all kinds of issues that were in the background before."

The notion that the harmonious period in a relationship has to wear off after the wedding can have an awkward effect on the relationship. "After the wedding day there is the well-known 'the honeymoon is over' effect, where couples quickly get wrapped up in the stresses of day-to-day living and lose the romance they had," Lucoff said.

Couples need to remember that even when the honeymoon technically ends, the passion doesn't have to cease. "By the time they make the commitment to marry, most people probably feel fairly confident that they know the person they are going to marry and understand their feelings about that person," he said.

Newlyweds would be naïve if they didn't expect to encounter challenges in the first year of marriage. "There are conflicts in any relationship, but in the romance and excitement of pre-married life, these conflicts are often conveniently side-stepped. After the 'I do's', however, these conflicts quickly rise to awareness and couples can be caught off guard by the unexpected onslaught of these issues."

A married couple's first fight can really shake the new foundation of the relationship. Lucoff said a quarrel can really raise a lot of questions. "When you're newly married and have your first major blowup it can really be a shock. You wonder, 'What happened? Are we still in love?' and there may be silence between you on that subject for weeks. But as you begin to learn how to address conflict, that time can be reduced to hours," he said.

While some couples are prepared for the challenges of marriage, others aren't. They know that the first year will be full of conflict, so they prepare to start a learning period that will last a lifetime. "Marriage is such an important part of our lives that it deserves an ongoing investment in lifelong learning," Lucoff said. Newlyweds should expect the first year to be both an adjustment and an eye-opener. Spouses should constantly be learning more about their partner. As Lucoff explained, "to stop learning is to say we know everything we need to know, and that just never happens because each year that passes bring us into new situations."

Learning how to navigate that first year of marriage can be made easier by pre-marital sessions aimed at both educating and counseling prospective spouses. Lucoff said there are differences between educating and counseling couples. "In counseling, the couple comes to the counselor with specific questions and issues that are then addressed in sessions. In the educational approach, couples are taught general relationship skills that equip them to deal with these issues on their own," Lucoff said.

The educational approach, which Lucoff favors, teaches couples skills to work through any problems. He said the program empowers couples and "gives them confidence to talk about difficult issues because they know that the skills they've learned provide a safe and effective way to do that."

Empathic Coaching Associates teaches the Relationship Enhancement program, which was developed over the past 30 years primarily by Bernard Guerney, Jr., Ph.D. Lucoff said this program has been called one of the best of its kind by researchers. Different formats exist, but the San Diego chapter holds a one-day class and then conducts six months of follow-up education through email, cassette tapes and the telephone.

Classes are comprised of small groups. An instructor explains and demonstrates certain skills. The couple then practices the skills with guidance from the instructor, and follow up sessions on the phone reinforce the skills learned.

If classes are too expensive or couples are too busy, Lucoff said there are some relationship skills that couples can learn on their own to make a marriage work. He said empathy is an important skill because it allows a spouse to see a partner's perspective on an issue even if stances differ. Another worthwhile tool is what Lucoff calls "skillful expressiveness," which is "the ability to express your feelings about an issue subjectively, honestly, and include in your expressions the underlying positive feelings you have about your mate."

Pre-marital courses and counseling are beneficial to couples looking to improve their communication skills. Lucoff said many spouses even prefer to enroll in classes after they marry, as they begin to encounter issues in their marriage that they want to address. He said in some states, such as Florida and Minnesota, legislation has been enacted in favor of pre-marital courses. Couples who enroll in these classes are rewarded with waiting period waivers and marriage license discounts.

Lucoff explained why the law is standing behind marriage education. "There is a growing awareness of the tremendous cost to society of broken homes, and pre-marital and marriage education are clearly seen as part of the solution. In the meantime, most people will likely get married with little education or counseling prior to their marriage, and even less afterwards."



	Something New by Kristen Castillo, Weddingpages magazine, Fall 2001. Excerpts reprinted by permission of the author. Many adjustments made during the first year of marriage The first year of marriage can be an exciting time, but it can also be a learning experience. Decisions are now made for two, and settling into coupledom can be challenging. As newlyweds adjust to married life, what should they expect? Jim Lucoff of Empathic Coaching Associates [http://empathic.homestead.com] has been counseling couples for over 20 years. He said many couples are surprised that married life differs from their dating experience. "They think because they have been together a lot before marriage their adjustment to married life will be easy. But the commitment that marriage brings to a relationship can raise all kinds of issues that were in the background before." The notion that the harmonious period in a relationship has to wear off after the wedding can have an awkward effect on the relationship. "After the wedding day there is the well-known 'the honeymoon is over' effect, where couples quickly get wrapped up in the stresses of day-to-day living and lose the romance they had," Lucoff said. Couples need to remember that even when the honeymoon technically ends, the passion doesn't have to cease. "By the time they make the commitment to marry, most people probably feel fairly confident that they know the person they are going to marry and understand their feelings about that person," he said. Newlyweds would be naïve if they didn't expect to encounter challenges in the first year of marriage. "There are conflicts in any relationship, but in the romance and excitement of pre-married life, these conflicts are often conveniently side-stepped. After the 'I do's', however, these conflicts quickly rise to awareness and couples can be caught off guard by the unexpected onslaught of these issues." A married couple's first fight can really shake the new foundation of the relationship. Lucoff said a quarrel can really raise a lot of questions. "When you're newly married and have your first major blowup it can really be a shock. You wonder, 'What happened? Are we still in love?' and there may be silence between you on that subject for weeks. But as you begin to learn how to address conflict, that time can be reduced to hours," he said. While some couples are prepared for the challenges of marriage, others aren't. They know that the first year will be full of conflict, so they prepare to start a learning period that will last a lifetime. "Marriage is such an important part of our lives that it deserves an ongoing investment in lifelong learning," Lucoff said. Newlyweds should expect the first year to be both an adjustment and an eye-opener. Spouses should constantly be learning more about their partner. As Lucoff explained, "to stop learning is to say we know everything we need to know, and that just never happens because each year that passes bring us into new situations." Learning how to navigate that first year of marriage can be made easier by pre-marital sessions aimed at both educating and counseling prospective spouses. Lucoff said there are differences between educating and counseling couples. "In counseling, the couple comes to the counselor with specific questions and issues that are then addressed in sessions. In the educational approach, couples are taught general relationship skills that equip them to deal with these issues on their own," Lucoff said. The educational approach, which Lucoff favors, teaches couples skills to work through any problems. He said the program empowers couples and "gives them confidence to talk about difficult issues because they know that the skills they've learned provide a safe and effective way to do that." Empathic Coaching Associates teaches the Relationship Enhancement program, which was developed over the past 30 years primarily by Bernard Guerney, Jr., Ph.D. Lucoff said this program has been called one of the best of its kind by researchers. Different formats exist, but the San Diego chapter holds a one-day class and then conducts six months of follow-up education through email, cassette tapes and the telephone. Classes are comprised of small groups. An instructor explains and demonstrates certain skills. The couple then practices the skills with guidance from the instructor, and follow up sessions on the phone reinforce the skills learned. If classes are too expensive or couples are too busy, Lucoff said there are some relationship skills that couples can learn on their own to make a marriage work. He said empathy is an important skill because it allows a spouse to see a partner's perspective on an issue even if stances differ. Another worthwhile tool is what Lucoff calls "skillful expressiveness," which is "the ability to express your feelings about an issue subjectively, honestly, and include in your expressions the underlying positive feelings you have about your mate." Pre-marital courses and counseling are beneficial to couples looking to improve their communication skills. Lucoff said many spouses even prefer to enroll in classes after they marry, as they begin to encounter issues in their marriage that they want to address. He said in some states, such as Florida and Minnesota, legislation has been enacted in favor of pre-marital courses. Couples who enroll in these classes are rewarded with waiting period waivers and marriage license discounts. Lucoff explained why the law is standing behind marriage education. "There is a growing awareness of the tremendous cost to society of broken homes, and pre-marital and marriage education are clearly seen as part of the solution. In the meantime, most people will likely get married with little education or counseling prior to their marriage, and even less afterwards."