Tips for your relationship - How to discuss issues, part 2
Copyright 2001, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
Last time we showed you how to have a discussion using the Relationship Enhancement approach. To recap, in this kind of discussion the participants agree to adhere strictly to the following rules:
1. Only one person at a time "has the floor". This person (called the Expresser) must speak subjectively, include underlying positives when possible, and follow other guidelines explained in a previous newsletter.
2. The other person is in the role of the Empathic Responder. That person must listen carefully and then respond empathically to the essential meaning and feelings of what the Expresser has been saying.
3. The roles are periodically switched as explained below.
4. The Discussion phase continues until both persons have said everything about their feelings related to this issue and believe they have been understood by the other person. Only after this can the couple proceed to the next phase of working out a resolution.
Using these guidelines will prevent your discussion from turning into a "shooting match." The RE protocol helps you to avoid the pitfalls - hostility, defensiveness, contempt, retaliation, and withdrawal - so typical of many marital spats.
How do you decide when to exchange roles in the discussion? This will generally happen after the Expresser has been able to talk about a main point on his/her mind and feels understood by the other. At that point, the Expresser generally will say something like, "I'm wondering what you think about this," which is an invitation to switch roles.
In other cases, the person in the role of Empathic Responder may be feeling a strong need to speak. After he/she has finished responding empathically to the Expresser's last statement, the Empathic Responder may request to switch roles by saying something like, "...and after this I'd like to say something." If the Expresser feels understood by the last empathic response, he/she will relinquish the Expresser role to the other person and will take on the role of Empathic Responder.
Couples learning this procedure in Relationship Enhancement workshops are aided by holding an object, such as a pen, to signify who is in the role of the Expresser. When the roles are switched, the pen is handed off to the other person. Later, when they have more experience, most couples are able to keep track of who is the Expresser and who is the Empathic Responder without the use of an external sign.
Although the above Discussion skill sounds easy in concept, it is harder to put into practice. Old habits die hard, and a couple trying this approach for this first time usually will find it an exhausting experience. During RE workshops the instructors will carefully coach couples through this initial period of use until they get accustomed to following the RE protocol. Even after that, there are sure to be setbacks. One person may revert to accusations instead of staying in the "subjective mode." Or the person in the role of Empathic Responder may express a personal opinion out of turn instead of sticking to the Expresser's statements.
To get things back on track, the Relationship Enhancement method includes the Facilitation skill. This provides a way for you to tactfully point out a violation of the RE protocol to your partner and get it corrected.
In other cases, a discussion may deteriorate because both persons in the discussion are so emotionally distraught over an issue that neither of them can effectively function in the role of an Empathic Responder. When that happens, take a "time out" - disengage from the subject at hand temporarily, do something together that will allow you both to de-stress, and then reconvene at a later time to continue the discussion. Attempts to continue a discussion when both persons are heated up and don't feel like listening to the other are generally doomed to failure.
Next time, we'll introduce another Relationship Enhancement skill - Problem/Conflict Resolution.
