See More Clearly with the Pre-marital Inventory
Copyright 2002, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
When my wife and I started our friendship, we spent a lot of time talking about how each of us viewed various matters. Did we want to have children? Where would we live? What would be our relationship with parents? We both realized that there were bound to be differences in viewpoint. The real question was - were we prepared to face those differences honestly and either accept them or resolve them? If not, then we knew that in the long run it was better to end our relationship, no matter how painful that might be at the moment.
The problem is that for many couples the emotional feelings of attraction can give them "rose-colored glasses" that make conflict issues fade into insignificance. "We are so in love," the couple believes, "that nothing will ever break us apart." Typically sometime after the marriage, those powerful biological love-hormones lose some of their mind-altering ability and the couple comes face-to-face with shocking realities about their mate.
Is there a way to avoid this painful post-honeymoon shock syndrome? Probably not entirely, but researchers have found something that can help - the pre-marital inventory. A pre-marital inventory is a comprehensive list of the conflict issues that typically arise in most marriages, including expectations, communication styles, commitment, children, finances, sex, career, friends, family, and religion. Each person fills out his/her responses to a wide range of opinion questions on these subjects. The results are compiled and then the person administering the inventory discusses the significance of the results with the couple.
After going through this exercise, some couples realize that the differences between them are bigger than they are prepared to handle and wisely decide to end their relationship. However for the majority of couples the relationship is strengthened because they are now able to see clearly what conflicts exist and can start to discuss those in a meaningful way.
It is important to understand that the pre-marital inventory is not a "compatibility test." Its main purpose is to bring to the surface the conflicts that are in every relationship so the couple can address these before marriage. The overall effect is to make the transition to married life much smoother than without such advance knowledge.
Some state governments are recognizing the value of pre-marital inventories and offer financial incentives to couples who take these along with pre-marital counseling. Authorities recognize that such programs have the potential to reduce divorce and thus contribute to the health and welfare of society in general.
