Looking for the Positive
Copyright 2002, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
Marriage researcher John Gottman has made an intensive study of how people interact in their relationships. Not surprisingly, he found that in flourishing marriages the participants express more positive, appreciative comments toward one another than negative, critical comments - in fact at least five times as many.
The Relationship Enhancement method sets forth the similar idea of "underlying positives." Whenever I want to say something to my partner that he might perceive as critical, it is very important to send another message along with it - one that tells this person all the good things I feel about him.
Here's an example. A wife is getting very angry and frustrated because her husband goes out with the boys and leaves her home alone. What are the underlying positives? She loves him, she enjoys his company, she wants to be with him. Since that is very much a part of this whole situation, she needs to include this important and positive message with her request for a change.
So that might go something like this: "Honey, I really love doing fun things with you. I even enjoy quiet evenings at home or just taking walks together. I really appreciate it when you're with me, because it makes me feel valued, loved and that I'm your best friend. But lately it seems you've been spending more time away with your friends. That leaves me alone and I feel so isolated, hurt, and even angry. I wish there was a way that we could spend more time together. If we could do that, I know I'd be a lot happier and I think our relationship would be so much better."
It's easy to see why this approach is better than, "You selfish jerk, you're always leaving me home alone so you can play with your buddies. You love them more than you love me!" When she recalls underlying positives her hurt feelings do not take her to a state of hopelessness - she sees both the good that has been and the good that can be. Conversely, the husband hears both how his actions have hurt his wife and also how much his wife loves him. This unique combination helps him to hear the message without shutting down and to be motivated by compassion and love to make changes in his behavior.
