Refuse, Defuse, and Choose
Copyright 2002, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
The Relationship Enhancement protocol requires that while one person is expressing, the other should empathically respond. This, along with other guidelines, ensures that even very conflict-laden topics can be discussed safely.
But in the course of normal conversation, what if a conflict situation comes up unexpectedly? Recognizing that you're on the brink of a major altercation and acting accordingly is a real challenge. Suppose my mate is upset and fires a critical comment my way. If I say, "Now listen here...." or "Oh, yeah? Well, what about..." or "That is so unfair...," this exchange will probably become a major blowup with a lot of hurt feelings. And while I may wish I could give an empathic response to her statement, maybe that just isn't possible at the moment.
So what can be done to prevent damage to the relationship? Remember these three key words: refuse, defuse, and choose.
First, refuse - refuse to let yourself be drawn into a verbal fight. Whether or not you believe in "turning the other cheek," remember that you have the power to turn away from being triggered into defending yourself and launching a counterattack. Sometimes I can stop myself by thinking, "Life is too precious - why should we waste our time on an argument that will just leave us feeling frustrated?"
Next, defuse. Start with yourself - take some deep breaths. Signal a timeout to your mate to let him/her know that you need some time to regroup. In some cases, you may decide to temporarily change the subject, go for a walk, or do some other activity that will keep you together but in a way that is less stressful.
Finally, choose. Choose to take responsibility for doing what you can to get things back on track again. Don't leave the issue unresolved. As soon as you can, suggest that the two of you resume talking about it using the Relationship Enhancement skills. Start by giving a full empathic response to what your mate last said.
One cynical joke about marriage says that in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Well, maybe we can add this line: in the fourth year they learn Relationship Enhancement skills - now they both speak and listen!
