Clearing a Space for Empathy
Copyright 2002, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
A few days ago my wife reminded me that I had procrastinated handling a particular responsibility and said she felt disrespected as a result. My response? Defensive rebuttal - this matter was not really all that important, I tried to explain. Later, thinking about the subject of this newsletter, I realized that I had, once again, failed to respond empathically.
The Empathic skill is one of the key relationship skills in the Relationship Enhancement method. It requires tuning into the thoughts and feelings of your partner, looking at things through his/her eyes, "walking in his/her shoes" in your imagination.
This can be challenging, especially if you have strong sentiments about the situation under discussion or feel the prodding of an accusing finger as I did. How can you focus on your partner's view when your own mind is racing with rationalizations, feelings, and judgments?
In Focusing, Eugene Gendlin's classic work on inner growth, this suggestion is offered:
"Stop for a second and sense your own tangle of feelings, tensions, and expectations. Then clear this space. Out of this open space you can listen. You will feel alert and probably slightly excited. What will the other person say into this waiting space that exists for nothing except to be spoken into? Very rarely is anyone offered such a space by another person. People hardly ever move over in themselves enough to really hear another."
It seems that two thoughts, like material objects, cannot occupy the same (mental) space at the same time. Personal thoughts and feelings "take up space" in our minds, preventing us from giving full attention and empathy to another. But when we make the conscious choice to temporarily set our own thoughts aside, we create a welcoming space in which our partner can feel understood and valued, and through which we can come to understand the inner world of our partner more completely.
Bernard Guerney, in Relationship Enhancement, writes about the inner attitude conducive to empathy:
"While my partner is expressing his own outlook, I can best help my partner, myself, and our relationship by completely understanding how my partner does perceive the situation and how he does feel...I can do this best by temporarily setting aside my own perceptions, and my own reactions, and my own feelings."
So let's go back to the original example and see how this would work. My wife has just told me that she feels disrespected because I have not followed up on something she feels is important. I'm thinking, "I really want to say something about why I haven't done this. It hurts me that she thinks I'm disrespecting her. I'll be able to tell her that later, but right now I will set my own thoughts aside and try to look at this through her eyes. What does she mean? Hmmm... She must consider this an important matter, even though I may not. And since I have not followed through or even discussed the matter with her, she must feel ignored, as if her ideas were not even worth considering. Yes, I can see how she would feel disrespected by that."
Remember, empathy does not mean agreement. As we watch the plot of a movie unfold we come to see the world through the eyes of the main character. Although we may not agree with the character's choices, we understand and we empathize. In the same way, we can empathically understand our partner's feelings, though very different from our own.
Again, Gendlin states:
"If you find it hard to accept someone with unlovely qualities, think of the person as being up against these qualities inside. It is usually easy to accept the person inside who is struggling against these very qualities. As you listen, you will then discover that person."
For example, suppose your mate says, "I find myself hating you more and more." Think of your mate as loving you, but as "up against" strong resentment about some situation that has developed. Your empathic response may then come out as, "I know you want to love me, but right now this situation is making part of you really resent me, hate me, and this feeling is getting stronger day by day."
