Change, Part 2
Copyright 2001, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
In Part 1, we began a discussion of the two Relationship Enhancement skills that will help you and your mate to make desired changes in your behavior. The Self-change skill provides a method you can use to change yourself. The complementary skill, Other-change, provides guidelines on how you can help your partner to make changes. Let's see how these two skills work together.
While ultimately I am the only one responsible for changing myself, feedback from others can help or hinder. Remember the question, "Is the glass half full or half empty?" It has been quipped that the answer depends on whether you're pouring or drinking, and indeed perspective can make all the difference.
Let's say that your mate wants to do better at keeping the home tidy. During the past week you've noticed some improvement, but not as much as you hoped for. How will you respond? You have two choices - if you see a glass that's half empty, you'll gripe, "Hey, when are you going to deliver?" If you instead realize that change is an arduous, inch-by-inch struggle, sometimes with three steps ahead and two back, you'll cheer your partner on and fully acknowledge whatever success he has achieved.
The choice you make as to how you respond will either encourage your mate to try harder or increase the likelihood that he'll throw in the towel.
So how can you best help your partner? First, make sure you have a clear understanding of the change that your partner has agreed to make. Next, if your mate has asked for your help, find out exactly what kind of assistance he would like, and carry this out as requested. Finally, spontaneously express appreciation for his efforts and be patient when there are setbacks.
Let's take an example. Your mate has told you that she is insecure and longs for you to compliment her more in public when you're with friends. You agree, but how can you make this change? After discussing various approaches, you decide that, at least at first, you need a signal when she is hoping you will say something, e.g. a tug on her earlobe. Also, you have asked her to kindly explain when you missed an opportunity and to pat you on the back when you were successful. Using the Self-change skill, you also decided to post a reminder note at your desk and to keep a journal of your successes and setbacks.
Wow, that's a lot of work! Absolutely. Lately my wife has been working on learning to play a difficult piano composition. With hours and hours of painstaking practice, note by note, there is slow, gradual progress. But one day, she will be able to play that piece with style. In the same way, you and your mate can unlearn old habits and learn new ones of your choosing. Relationship Enhancement skills will help you along the way.
