Change
Copyright 2001, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
This series of artilces has been discussing the Relationship Enhancement approach to resolving conflict and enhancing intimacy in your relationship. Through a structured dialog of empathic and subjective expressions, couples can successfully discuss difficult issues, discover satisfying solutions, and decide exactly how they will implement those solutions.
But now comes the really tough part - doing it.
To understand why this can be so agonizing, remember that "old habits die hard" - they are etched into our brains' neuronal pathways like ruts in a muddy road. Each time I repeat some behavior, the rut gets deeper and it gets that much harder to act differently the next time.
In some cases there is another more powerful force at work - a feedback loop. Our relationships sometimes form dynamic systems that bond and reinforce behavior and that actively resist attempts to change. The old riddle, "Does she nag and so he drinks? Or does he drink and so she nags?" is answered very simply by realizing that the relationship between these two persons has become a vicious cycle. At some point in the distant past he drank. She nagged him in response. So he drank more. And so she nagged more. And so on. Even if both of them agree that they wish to change this kind of back-and-forth relationship, it will be very hard to break free.
And a final factor - impatience, our wanting changes to happen right away - can set up a self-defeating feedback mechanism quashing efforts to turn over a new leaf. Not realizing the great difficulty involved in making changes, couples too often just give up after relapses and resign themselves to the status quo.
By learning the principles in the next two Relationship Enhancement skills, Self-Change and Other-Change, we can instead set up a positive feedback loop one that will greatly facilitate your efforts to make desired changes in behavior. With the Self-Change skill I make changes in my behavior. With the Other-Change skill I help my mate to make changes in his/her behavior. Usually both are needed and reinforce one another.
Let's consider Self-Change first. As the person wanting to change, I need to think about what will help me remember to make the desired change. Some time ago I was in the habit of placing my clothes in the laundry hamper whichever way they happened to come off. My wife requested that I first unfold my clothes so that she would not have to do that later. I heartily agreed, but failed in my attempts to remember because of my long-established pattern. So I put a small post-it note above the laundry hamper with the word "unfold". That worked. When I went to put my clothes in the hamper, I saw the note and this reminded me what I should do. After a few weeks, the note wasn't needed anymore because now unfolding my clothes had become a new habit that had replaced the old one.
This is an example of a "self-reminder". For other kinds of changes, we may need our mate to remind us of the change we are trying to make. If so, we need to clearly spell out how we would like that reminder delivered to us, so that we do not perceive it as nagging. Reminders can be verbal or non-verbal, and they can come before we are supposed to do something or after we were supposed to have done something. Enlisting the support of our mate in this way can be a powerful impetus toward altering deeply rooted behavior.
The next article will explain more about constructive attitudes toward change and how we can best help our partner to achieve changes they want to make.
