Resolving Issues, part 3
Copyright 2001, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
The previous article showed how you and your mate can use creative skills to arrive at "win-win" solutions.
But it's one thing to come up with a good idea and quite another to get it to work in the real world. How to carry your solution from concept to reality will be the subject of this and several following articles.
Let's say you've been discussing how to spend more time together. You come up with a great idea - once a week the two of you will plan and cook a special meal. You have a wonderful mental image of laughing and talking as you prepare the food and then having a romantic dinner. Both of you agree that this sounds delightful. But often, and not just in marriages, everyone is so caught up in the excitement of the moment they forget that the work's not done until the paper work is finished! Two areas must be discussed in order to make sure that your dream will come true - planning and evaluation.
To illustrate, suppose your discussion stops after arriving at the idea. So the next week comes along and you're ready to try out your special meal night. But wait - how do we decide what to prepare? And how does the shopping get done for the ingredients? Then, at the last minute, you get a call from your mother and spend the evening taking care of other duties that had to be handled right away. Now what? Do you just skip the meal night for the week or re-schedule it for later? Not having resolved these questions ahead of time can introduce a lot of frustration and resentment into your activities - just the opposite of what you're trying to achieve.
You've probably heard one of the following versions of this saying: "The Devil is in the details," or "God is in the details." In other words, there's tough work in figuring out the exact steps in doing any job, but it is also in those minutia that vision can become reality.
To plan your solution in detail, here are some guidelines:
1. Be sure you are in agreement as to the solution. It's so easy for two people to get caught up in an exhilarating wave of enthusiasm and relief at having found a solution to a problem - only to find out later that each had a different concept of what that solution meant. One way to make sure you both understand is to put it in writing. Sure, that sounds a little formal, but just spending a few extra minutes doing that now can save you tons of frustration down the line.
2. Be specific as to who is responsible to do what, when, how often, where and how. Again, putting it in writing will help make clear any misunderstandings or ambiguities that could undermine your solution. And don't forget "exception handling." In the above example, if something comes up to interfere with your regular cook night, decide in advance what you will do. Make that crystal clear in your detailed planning and you'll eliminate hurt feelings later on.
3. Consider how you're going to assist one another to make the solution a success. For example, maybe you'd like your partner to remind you about a new responsibility you will be taking on. We'll be talking about that in future newsletters when we discuss the important Relationship Enhancement "Change" skills.
4. Set a specific date to evaluate how your solution has been working.
That last point leads us to the next vital step - evaluation. At the evaluation discussion you will review the solution. Have you been doing your special meal thing faithfully every week? If not, why not? If you have, has it turned out to be what you were hoping, an opportunity to be close and talk about your lives together? Are there some changes you'd like to make to the arrangement to make it even better?
During this discussion, you may come up with new or unresolved issues. If so, go back to the Discussion phase to make sure these are fully expressed, and then return to the Problem/Conflict Resolution phase to revise your solution concept.
Next article - how to change old habits and make new ones.
