Resolving issues, part 2
Copyright 2001, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
In the previous article we showed the importance of having a full discussion of your deepest concerns and feelings on the issue at hand before you attempt to discuss solutions. But once you have surfaced all the relevant issues, how can you and your mate find an answer to your problem?
There are three parts to successful conflict resolution:
1. Creative solution discussion
2. Detailed planning
3. Follow-up evaluation
Even after scientists study the human potential for creativity, it is a huge mystery to them. What we do know is that under favorable conditions, the mind has an amazing capacity to come up with solutions to the most baffling problems. Since creative ability can be applied to any field, you can use this inborn gift to resolve your relationship conflicts in unique and imaginative ways.
Having openly discussed your feelings and empathized with your partner's, all of your mental energy can now go into this problem-solving process instead of position defense. In other words, your brain no longer has to labor at keeping feelings bottled up inside or shouting "You don't understand my viewpoint!"
Here are some guidelines to help you through this creative discussion process:
Stick with the Relationship Enhancement "safe discussion" protocol. Generally the Problem / Conflict Resolution phase is going to be less emotionally stressful than the Discussion phase, but it is still important to adhere to the Empathic Responder / Expresser roles we discussed earlier. This will guarantee that you are really understanding the solution proposals, that you give due consideration to each suggestion, and that neither partner feels his/her contributions have been belittled.
Look for win-win solutions. Don't settle for compromises, which too often are lose-lose solutions. He wants to live in California, she wants to live in Vermont. The "lose-lose" compromise is to move to Nebraska and both be miserable. A win-win solution would factor in the reasons behind these locale preferences - perhaps by finding an area in California that has some of the desirable features of Vermont nearby. Always keep this ultimate goal in mind - to find a solution that satisfies both persons fully. That conscious vision will give direction to your creative forces.
Talk about specifics, not generalities. In the Discussion phase you expressed your concerns, feelings, and wishes in somewhat general terms. But in the Problem/Conflict Resolution phase it's time to get specific. Not "I wish we could do more things together." Rather, "I suggest we spend every Wednesday evening working together in the garden."
If new "feeling" issues arise, go back to the Discussion phase right away. While discussing solutions, you may notice some unresolved feelings surface, like fear or anger. Immediately go back to the Discussion phase and continue until all those new or unresolved issues are expressed. Then return to your solution talk.
Aside from these guidelines, you're free to carry on your discussion as you think is appropriate. Most couples take turns offering suggestions, commenting on how well those satisfy both partner's needs, and getting an idea how these might be worked out. Eventually you'll come up with a proposal that both of you think is a good one for you.
The next step is working out some very important details to implement this proposed solution. That will be the subject of the next article in this series.
