How to discuss issues
Copyright 2001, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
My wife and I were cheerily making our way to a winter weekend getaway in upstate New York. Then things took an unexpected turn, literally. The car ahead skidded on an ice patch, crashed into us, and left us groaning, "What happened?" We made it to our destination, but for the rest of the weekend our neck muscles felt like they had been worked over by an angry Swedish wrestler.
Like collisions, marital arguments happen, and often when least expected. But when crashes occur on the road of married life there's a lot more at stake than sore muscles. Unresolved conflicts in a marriage can put out the fire of romance, squelch intimacy, and if prolonged, lead to the death of the relationship.
What the Relationship Enhancement method does so effectively is provide you with a protocol - "rules of the road" - so you can reach your destination safely. These rules are simple and easy to learn. And when observed carefully, the guidelines virtually guarantee a safe and successful discussion of any issue, no matter how sensitive.
In previous articles we laid the groundwork. The Expressive skill and the Empathic Responding skill are at the core of all Relationship Enhancement discussions. The Discussion skill provides the framework in which you and your partner use these two basic skills to explore a specific issue in your relationship.
The rules for the Discussion skill are simple:
1. At each point in time, one and only one person is using the Expressive skill, speaking subjectively and including underlying positive feelings; and the other person is using the Empathic Responding skill, listening carefully and at appropriate points responding empathically to what the Expresser stated.
2. Roles are periodically switched (using guidelines that will be explained later), so that the person who was the Expresser now becomes the Empathic Responder and vice versa.
3. The Discussion phase continues until both persons believe they have expressed all of their most important concerns, feelings, and thoughts about an issue and they believe that the other person understands these fully.
To further explain, here's a typical marital discussion without using the Relationship Enhancement skills.
Wife: When are you going to learn to pick up your stuff?! Do you think I'm your slave?
Husband: Sorry, but you don't have to get huffy about it. I usually am pretty good about that. You're always jumping on me for the least little infraction of your pickiness and I don't think that's reasonable -
Wife: (Interrupting) Oh, really? Well, there are other things that you're picky about and I try to go along with those -
Husband: (interrupting) There you go turning things around again.
I think you get the idea. What is going wrong in this discussion? You probably can see a number of things, and in a future newsletter we'll analyze this exchange in detail. But for now, let's illustrate the same issue being discussed using the Relationship Enhancement skills.
Wife: Honey, there's something that has been on my mind and I wonder if this would be a good time to talk about it. I think I'd feel better about discussing it if we used our Relationship Enhancement skills.
Husband: Sure, I'm listening.
Wife: I really appreciate how hard you have worked in our marriage to provide us with a beautiful home. And the way you take an interest in keeping the yard neat and maintaining the outside of the home really makes me feel good. This home is so important to me because I view it as the place where our marriage is centered, and I love you so very much. I think that's why I have a strong need to have the inside of the house clean and neat. When I see stuff lying around I get really upset. And I sometimes wonder if you really care about how I feel about this.
Husband: You really value my contribution to providing this home and keeping up the exterior, but you are disappointed that I don't show more of an interest in keeping the inside orderly. Our home is a very special place to you because it's tied into our marriage and you get irritated when I leave stuff lying around, even questioning my sensitivity to your feelings about this.
Wife: Yes, or I even wonder if you think I'm some kind of maid that picks up after you.
Husband: Feel like I act pretty selfish and lazy sometimes.
Wife: I'm wondering how you see this.
Husband: I do take pride in keeping the house looking nice. And I appreciate how beautifully you have decorated it inside. I love inviting our friends over because you've made this a very comfortable home, and I see how hard you work to do this. When I was growing up, it was like that too, but with all my brothers and sister there was always stuff lying around. I guess to me that just shows someone is living in the house and is enjoying it. So I find it hard to see the need to have everything put away in its proper place all the time.
Wife: You grew up in a house where the standard of neatness was more relaxed than mine, and for you that was normal. You do value all the work I do around the house, but it's hard for you to feel a strong need to be as neat and orderly as I am.
Often when couples hear a Relationship Enhancement style discussion for the first time, their reaction is "OK, but giving all those empathic responses sure makes the discussion go slowly!" Exactly. The Discussion guidelines help you to slow down, to consider carefully what you say rather than speaking hastily, and to listen carefully rather than to react defensively.
The next article will provide more details on the Discussion process and how it can help you to minimize relationship fender-benders.
