How to say what you feel, Part 2
Copyright 2001, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
In Part 1, we talked about saying what you feel. Fear of the response can stop us from openly expressing ourselves to our mate about a sensitive topic. Part of the solution is to express the "underlying positive" feelings that are present in every committed relationship. These help your mate to be receptive to your message instead of shutting down or striking back. By including these positive feelings toward your partner, you are saying not just the truth, but the whole truth about your relationship.
But there's another critical factor to being heard. Have you ever gone round and round in circles about the "facts" of a situation? I have - and this has to be one of the most frustrating experiences of life. Afterwards you're left feeling exhausted, angry, and puzzled - how can two people who love each other have such different views of "reality"?
This points out a basic truth: much of what we conclude about experience is based on our very personal interpretation and filtering of what we have seen and heard. In itself, that's not a bad thing it just means that the best way to express yourself about an issue is "subjectively." This is particularly true when your mate likely has his/her own view of the matter.
To illustrate, suppose for awhile you've felt that your partner is taking you for granted. You feel that you never get thanked for the good things you do around the house and the support you provide. In fact, you're wondering if your mate really even loves you. The more you think about this, the angrier you get. This has got to stop! Finally something happens that is the last straw and you blurt out, "You always take me for granted. You never ever thank me for all the work I do around here. You don't love me!"
So what's wrong with the way you said that? It was all true, wasn't it? Yes, from your perspective, but there's a good chance your mate doesn't agree! Your accusation now puts him/her into the position of the defense lawyer wanting to call witnesses that will disprove the allegations. And so begins the debate about "reality".
So what's the way out of this deadlock? Simple. Instead of talking about what "is," talk about the subject that nobody can dispute - how you feel. You are the world's leading expert on your feelings.
To do this, take each of your statements and reformulate it so that it refers to your subjective feelings. While you're at it, remove generalizations (never, always) and replace them with less confrontational specifics. And to help your mate further understand, explain the exact circumstances that relate to your feelings.
Here's how that would translate. "Several times over the last few months I have gotten a feeling of being taken for granted. Usually it happens when I do something that I am proud of around the house, and I don't get words of thanks or recognition for that. Because of this I am not feeling loved."
"Well, that sounds like that same thing," you may be thinking, "What's the difference?"
Major. Notice that by removing the accusing language ("you always blankblank, you never blankblank") the whole tone has changed from blaming to explaining. Your mate cannot argue with you about what you've said, because you've simply stated your real feelings, something that cannot be disputed by another person. You've also explained the situations that lead to these feelings. Result? Your mate will not feel attacked. Rather his/her love and compassion for you will be activated and you are much more likely to be heard and understood favorably by your partner.
In the next article we'll talk about the other side of the communication loop: how to listen and empathize.
