How to say what you feel
Copyright 2000, empathic coaching associates. All rights reserved.
There are a lot of reasons why I hold back from saying what I really feel to someone who's close to me - but usually it all goes back to one emotion: fear. Fear of getting an angry response, fear of making myself vulnerable by revealing what is really important to me, and fear of what will happen if I don't get the response I'm hoping for.
Because of all this fear, we often hold back from airing grievances until they build up to explosive levels. At that point, the chances of expressing yourself constructively are pretty slim.
So what's the solution to this dilemma? To quote that famous courtroom oath, "Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
The Relationship Enhancement® method helps us to understand that there are two important aspects to speaking the truth that are often overlooked. The first is that truth about relationships is subjective. The second is that truth, the whole truth, is everything about you and the other person, not just what's bothering you at the moment. We'll discuss the second point here, and return to the subjective nature of truth in the next topic.
Suppose you're mad about the way your mate leaves stuff around the house. You've really had it and you're going to let him/her know! But why are you so angry? What's the whole truth? After you think about it you realize that you're angry because you love your mate deeply and have a strong need for an orderly home as a setting for the life you treasure together. Furthermore, you see that in many other respects your mate is hard-working and supportive.
So when you speak to your mate about this situation, telling the whole truth means expressing fully all of your "underlying positive" feelings about him/her in regards to this situation. By doing so, your mate will feel secure about your love and will be less defensive, because you are making it clear that this problem is only one part of the bigger picture.
So here's how that might come out: "Honey, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind. First I want to say how much I appreciate your support and hard work. You really try to make our life together enjoyable [and give specifics]. And it's because I love you so much that our home has special meaning to me as the place where we share life together. So lately I've noticed that I get upset when..."
There is much more about "underlying positives" that will significantly improve your ability to resolve conflict. We'll cover that in the next topic.
