On the way to the weekend marriage-encounter seminar, my husband and I suddenly had second thoughts. Though we had discussed our misgivings and questions with the program directors before signing up, we were still nervous and uncertain about what might be in store for us. "I really hope we don't have to talk out loud about our sex life," Kirk said. "I don't think we will. Anyway, we don't have any problems, right, honey?" "Nah...." And we don't. Having been married for just two years, we aren't nearing any of the notorious marital itch years, we have what we agree is an enviable sex life, and even our minor conflicts are few. Why, then, did we go? For a tune-up. Recently, we felt that the way we were coping with our daily conflicts could use a little oil in order to make our marital journey a bit smoother. So we looked into a number of weekend seminars available around the country. These seminars aren't, I learned, heavy-duty therapy or lightweight, "touchy-feely" encounters. Instead, they're practical workshops. Most aim to bring couples closer by teaching some type of communication technique. But they're by no means all of a kind. For instance, some rely heavily on group lectures, while others stress private couple interaction. We chose the Relationship Enhancement (RE) Seminar, available through the Individual and Family Consultation Center of the College of Health and Human Development at Pennsylvania State University in University Park. Bernard Guerney, Jr., Ph.D., the developer of RE and a professor of human development and family studies at Penn State, would be teaching the seminar on campus. Since lodging and meals were not included, we booked a room at a nearby hotel. SATURDAY, 8:45 a.m. A buffet of fruit, coffee, tea and doughnuts was set up at the back of the sunny conference room where Kirk and I took seats in a circle of chairs in the center of the room. With us were four other couples and Dr. Guerney and Pat Yoder, the coleader, an RE-trained specialist. Along the sides of the room were soft, inviting club chairs. I suspected these were where the real action - the time each couple would spend talking privately about their marriage - would take place. Eyeing the chairs, I began to worry that the process of "enhancing" our marriage might actually harm it by bringing up issues Kirk and I wouldn't be able to resolve over the course of a weekend. 9:00 a.m. Dr. Guerney suggested we all take a moment to introduce ourselves. I laced my fingers through Kirk's and said "We've been married for two years, but I've known - and been committed to - Kirk for twelve years. In my heart, I figure we've been married about six years." Then I said something about not having kids yet but having three cats instead. I kept it light. Everyone smiled and nodded. Two of the couples looked about the same age as Kirk and I - in their late twenties. The others, I guessed, were in their forties. All were married five years or more and had, on average, two kids. No one said much about their jobs - it was as though we felt the outside world had no place in our special weekend - and none of us mentioned why we had come. I imagined the other couples teetering on the edge of marital disaster. But later, as Dr. Guerney described what we would be doing during our weekend, I learned that RE groups tend to appeal less to couples in the throes of major crises than to those, like Kirk and me, simply looking to make things better. At Dr. Guerney's instruction, we turned to the Relationship Enhancement manuals he'd given us. "Your attitude and choice of words can contribute mightily to the quality of your intimate personal relationships," the introduction read. "Only you can decide if becoming the master of your attitudes and words is worth the diligent and disciplined effort which it - like any complex skill - requires." The idea of becoming "skilled" at my marriage appealed to me. After all, being skilled in other areas of my life had paid off. Dr. Guerney had designed a seminar that would teach specific skills of communication and problem-solving. "You'll learn how to express yourselves to your partners in ways that won't put them on the defensive," he promised. "What we'll concentrate on first is the empathic skill," he continued. To demonstrate the technique, he asked for a volunteer to talk about a friend or colleague, someone who evoked strong feelings - positive or negative - in us. All the couples looked at one another, but no hands went up. So I volunteered. I pulled my chair next to Dr. Guerney's as he began to explain empathy. |
"The empathic skill involves putting yourself in your partner's place on an emotional level - so that you can have a deeper understanding and respect for your partner's feelings, beliefs, wishes. What Lisa will do is express - tell me about - her feelings toward this other person in her life. I'll listen to what she expresses, and then I'll respond with an empathic statement." I told Dr. Guerney about a friend of mine, Casey, whom I've known for about a year. Casey is always very friendly, I explained, but she rarely wants to talk about anything that interests me. I'd recently begun to feel that she's not really interested in me, but rather is just using me to network as a way of breaking into my field. Dr. Guerney never took his eyes off me, and I got the feeling that he really cared about what I was feeling. He nodded while I spoke, and periodically urged me on - without putting words in my mouth. "You don't feel very close to Casey," Dr. Guerney said when I was finished, "even though you've tried to talk to her on a personal level. You feel confused over what to do about her and you're tiring of her calls. You feel that perhaps it's time to end the relationship, but you'd feel guilty doing that because you don't want to hurt her feelings." "Yes, exactly," I said. Actually, he had not only read me to a T, but also expressed things I had felt but hadn't articulated - a skill he said was essential to a successful empathic response. "Lisa didn't actually say that she was tired of the relationship or that she wanted to end it. Nor did she say anything about feeling guilty over the possibility of hurting Casey's feelings," Dr. Guerney said. "Empathy involves taking a chance - by asking yourself, 'If I were my partner, what would I be thinking - positive or negative - about myself as a person? How would I feel? What would I wish for? What would I be thinking about doing? What conflicts would I be experiencing?' By answering these questions, you prepare yourself to respond to your partner in a way that makes him or her feel deeply understood. It also helps him clarify his own feelings." The next step, Dr. Guerney made clear, was for the expresser to let the empathizer know if his comments were on target. "Lisa happened to agree with my empathic response. But if she hadn't, she would've corrected me at some point. By learning RE, you will learn when you should be expressing your feelings and when you should be empathically listening." 11:00 a.m. Now it was time for those inviting club chairs, where we would practice in private our first empathic assignment, an exercise in getting closer (See "How Do I Love Thee?"). For Kirk and me, it was a wonderful way to focus our deep feelings for each other, and afterward we felt a little mushy. The rest of the group apparently did, too. I saw the other couples holding hands or touching each other in some affectionate way - a squeeze of a shoulder, a pat on the thigh, a peck on the cheek. If the couples felt like Kirk and I did, they knew that no matter the conflict, they were here because they had a special love for each other, a love that would get them through the rough times. Noon. As preparation for our afternoon assignment, we were each to list on a sheet of paper at least three activities we felt would enhance our marriage. Once the lists were completed we were to exchange them with our partners and agree on an activity to focus on. Kirk and I chose one from his list - Spend time cooking together. We had made attempts at this many times before, but never followed through. I was keenly interested to see how Dr. Guerney's seminar was going to make any difference. But first, we had an hour and a half break for lunch. |
Two Days to a Better Marriage © 1991 by Lisa Couturier Originally published in Redbook magazine, February, 1991. Reprinted by empathic coaching associates with permission from the author. "We never felt closer," says this young wife, describing the results of a weekend marriage-encounter seminar she took with her husband. Here's what she learned that can help you open up to each other - and make your marriage stronger than ever. by Lisa Couturier |
